Thursday, March 31, 2011

21 (even more crazy) steps in overcoming masturbation

The other day I tackled a Mormon site entitled "Steps In Overcoming Masturbation". I started out with the first 8, a list called "A Guide To Self-Control", it can be found here for those who missed it. Today I shall taunt the even longer of the two lists on the site. This one is simply known as "Suggestions".

1. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out lout when the temptations are the strongest.

Didn't they, in an off-handed sort of way, admit that prayer is rather worthless for this at the end of the last list? Or were they just hoping no one would notice that and are back to trying to get people to talk to themselves.

2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.

Yes, run and don't stop. Pump those muscles until this natural urge goes away. Seeing all those other hot and sweaty bodies at the gym will just melt away all those desires.

3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.

For even greater effect, yell "stop" out loud for all to hear. Then not only will you work to suppress your desire to masturbate but you will convince everyone around you that you have escaped from a mental ward and will be at no risk of ever having sex.

4. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. Until you commit yourself to _never again_ you will always be open to temptation.

Because when you tell yourself you will never do it again it is guaranteed to happen, just like eating, breathing and every other natural process.

5. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.

Even better, imagine yourself as a eunuch. For better results, grab a pair of scissors and live the dream.

6. Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan to improving your Church service, to improving your relationships with your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and talents.

Because all of this will be so much easier to accomplish when you are so sexually repressed that seeing a little extra skin on your preferred sex causes you to need to change your Mormon brand underwear.

7. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

The years of repression and Mormon upbringing will guarantee you are a friendless freak who have absolutely no social skills and must learn to try and manipulate others into liking you through a book. These people really have such poor self images, no wonder they want to try to stop masturbating, not even they want to touch themselves.

8. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc

So unless you are on a high dose of Valium, be prepared to feel emotions that might make you want to masturbate. All other times you show even the slightest change in emotion you are at risk. Remember, the Stepford Wives are your role model.

9. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have no black days. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months.

After those three months? Masturbation party! Go till you collapse from exhaustion and dehydration. Let it be your own personal incentive.

10. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities.

What exactly would be the counter activity to trying to get to sleep, probably the number one time masturbation occurs. Are these people supposed to keep themselves up for so long they eventually collapse? I would suggest dangerous amounts of stimulants but as I stated in the last post, Mormonism is against anything even remotely similar to fun...

11. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eating several of them as you do the act.

Great, now they are taking tips from A Clockwork Orange, that couldn't possibly backfire...

12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers.

Why just have the desire to masturbate when you can add in a fetish for being caught in the act?

13. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

Feeling ill? Have a muscular disorder? Too bad you pansy, get up and do something! Otherwise you might want to touch yourself you filthy, lazy sinner. I don't care if you are in horrible pain or an death's doorstep, do something constructive!

14. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.

As these people stated in the last list, they have a horrible fear that going to the restroom will insight people to masturbate. I'm not exactly sure which fetishes they have but relieving myself has never made me want to rub one out. Are they afraid of being awake more then necessary? Do they think if their followers are sufficiently dehydrated they will be too weak to masturbate? Are they just morons?

15. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.

Damn it, I shouldn't have put so much ketchup on that burger, now all I can think of is how much I want to ravage myself.

16. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

All I can imagine is an Official Mormon Onesie.

17. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

When you are this sexually repressed is there anything that wouldn't get you rearing to go? Maybe there is where the 'hot for Jesus' thing comes from.

18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

So this is why they always carry that book around with them, it is to keep them from masturbating furiously at a moments notice. Well that is one more reason not to invite a missionary into my house.

19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

This is also a great way to become ambidextrous or develop a bondage fetish. Why do so many of these rules result in the development of fetishes? Is this the reason behind so many sex scandals amongst Conservatives?

20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress.

Considering these people are trying to overcome their masturbation fixation, telling them to buy something that delights them might be counterproductive. Perhaps this explains why Utah is number 1 in online porn subscriptions.

21. Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns which were part of your problem. Satan never gives up. Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of satisfaction and fulfillment.

Yes, it is the great satan who wants you to touch yourself. According to these people it was their god who created them and all their functions yet satan gets blamed when things go wrong. And I have to ask, a radiant glow? I thought that was how you looked after great sex, not trying to repress it away.
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Infidel753 said...

What on Earth is going through the minds of people who write this stuff? Bizarre to obsess so much over preventing such a trivial and harmless activity.

Cyc said...

I can see it now, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing "Every Sperm Is Sacred".

Michael Scott said...

LOL! THis is incredibly funny. If you are ever interested in writing for us (cross posting OK) let us know by using the contact form at the top of our home page. We are always looking for talented writers (especially the Atheists)and we get over 100K visitors a month. I hope you consider it.


Cyc said...

I'm glad you like it and I would love to be able to write for a larger audience. I shall send you a message right away. Thank you for the offer.