Sunday, March 13, 2011

Chapter 1

I wrote this thing a long time ago. It was an odd spoof on the RPG genre as well as anything else I felt like at the moment. I have never finished it, only getting up to chapter 8, though their length is short and hardly count as chapters to begin with. Those who have read it over the years have always liked it despite my own worries. Now that I have a blog I have decided to put a few up now and then and see what people think. It is a bit cliche at times, but that is intentional. I hope a few of you enjoy this at least.

Chapter 1

Spooky omnipotent voice: “In an alternative variation of your own universe, there lies the world of Tarn. Here, man has learned to harness both the powers of technology and magic. Through these combined disciplines, humanity has created a delicate balance with itself and the world around it. A balance that has began to teeter over the past few…”

Sanrin: “Gah! Who the hell is that?!”

Spooky omnipotent voice: “Hey, I was trying to narrate here! And isn’t it obvious, I’m a spooky omnipotent voice.”

Sanrin: “Oh, so you are. Wait, why are we talking like this?”

Spooky omnipotent voice: “Talking like what?”

Sanrin: “You know, talking in turn with our names written out, like some sort of script.”

Spooky omnipotent voice: “It is the script of the universe! You mortals are all just actors on a stage for the entertainment of those above!”

Sanrin: “That doesn’t exactly answer my question, and can you knock off the ‘spooky omnipotent’ thing, it’s kind of creepy.”

Spooky omnipotent voice: “Of course it’s creepy; I wouldn’t be much of a spooky omnipotent voice if it wasn’t.”

Sanrin: “Could you either just knock it off, or go find some other person to annoy.”

Spooky omnipotent voice: “Do you really think it wise to taunt a mysterious voice from above?”

Sanrin: “Well you are the first disembodied voice I have ever heard. Speaking of which, I do believe it is time I found a good psychologist…”

Voice: “There is that better?”

Sanrin: “Much, thank you.”

Voice: *Sniff* “I’m going to miss the spooky omnipotence.”

Sanrin: “…Anyway…back to my earlier question about our speech.”

Voice: “Ah yes, the grand script of the universe.”

Sanrin: “Why do I get the feeling that I’m not going to get a better answer then that?”

Voice: “I wouldn’t be much of a spooky omnipotent voice if I explained everything to everyone I spoke down to. Not that I’m spooky or omnipotent sounding anymore *cough*prick*cough*”

Sanrin: “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that last part. But why are you speaking to me anyway?”

Voice: “Because you are one of the primary characters in this tale. Do you think I would be wasting my time on you if you didn’t have some sort of destiny waiting to unfurl?”

Sanrin: “Wait, what tale?”

Voice: “The one I was starting to explain, that is until I was so rudely interrupted.”

Sanrin: “Alright then, go on, I might as well know what the hell is going on.”

Voice: “I don’t want to. Maybe if you hadn’t barged into my monologue, but not now.”

Sanrin: “Of all the disembodied voices, I get the pissy child.”

Voice: “I would rethink that phrase if I were you.”

Sanrin: “Why? How do I know you aren’t just some sort of hallucination, maybe I ate something that was bad.”

Voice: “See that pizzeria across the street?”

Sanrin: “Yes, what about it?”

*massive fireball and explosion*

Sanrin: “Note to self: no more upsetting disembodied voices.”

Voice: “*Giggling* that never gets old.”

Sanrin: “But why in the nine hells did you choose to blow up that pizzeria to prove you weren’t just a hallucination, you could have just given me a slightly more subtle sign.”

Voice: “Don’t flatter yourself, I could have been more subtle about it, but that place had it coming. They guarantee delivery in forty-five minutes or less, and it’s been at least forty-eight.”

Sanrin: “But you are a voice originating from nowhere, how would they have delivered it to you in the first place?!”

Voice: “I actually hadn’t thought of that before. But now that I think about it I realize the depth of my actions.”

Sanrin: “That they have consequences, even if you are a higher being then us?”

Voice: “No, I realized how funny they can be.”

Sanrin: “That is not very reassuring.”

Voice: “It’s not like anyone important got blown into very small, crunchy bits. Well…except for that one guy who was supposed to save this world.”

Sanrin: “Please tell me I heard that wrong.”

Voice: “No…wow…I really do need to pay more attention to what I’m blowing up. But you have to admit, it looked really neat.”

Sanrin: “Ok Sanrin, calm down. You just learned that the world is doomed and that the powers that be are pyromaniac assholes.”

Voice: “I am not a pyromaniac, I just like things that go boom; and I never said the world is doomed, even if the person that is supposed to save it has been turned into a crispy critter.”

Sanrin: “Ok, scratch that, the world isn’t doomed, it’s just screwed; and the powers that be aren’t pyromaniacs, they are just assholes.”

Voice: “Remember my mentioning earlier about not taunting voices from above? Well think of that crater across the street as your motivator.”

Sanrin: “Does it really matter? You just destroyed the world’s savior or something. I might as well go out by telling off the voice that doomed us all.”

Voice: “He wasn’t a savior, though he did make a damn good calzone, and like I said, your world isn’t doomed, more like…inconvenienced.”

Sanrin: “I fail to see how oblivion is simply inconvenient.”

Voice: “Have you ever tried to open a can of tuna without a corporeal form, I would call that damn inconvenient.”

Sanrin: “Hold on a sec, you are an omnipotent being right?”

Voice: “Yes, and you wouldn’t have to ask if I still had that as part of my name.”

Sanrin: “Anyway…that means you can just stop the world from its inconvenient doom.”

Voice: “Sorry no can do.”

Sanrin: “And why not?”

Voice: “I’m a neutral being. I do not interfere with you petty mortals.”

Sanrin: “It sure seemed like you were interfering when you were vaporizing the world’s only hope of not being blown up itself!”

Voice: “Heh, kind of ironic isn’t it? Besides, he wasn’t vaporized, more like turned into small bite sized bits.”

Sanrin: “That is so much better. I’m sure he is thankful for you courtesy…”

Voice: “Oh, I wasn’t being courteous, just the explosion needed to vaporize him would have killed you to.”

Sanrin: “Why exactly do you care if I’m alive or not?”

Voice: “I am a better entity then that. I know full well you don’t explode those you are having a conversation with, unless they get rude of course, hint hint. As far as your statement about my interference, they didn’t follow through with their own guarantee; it’s not my fault that they couldn’t make the delivery.”

Sanrin: “The guarantee grants you a free pizza, not their permission to wipe them from existence!”

Voice: “Well if they couldn’t get me the first pizza, what makes you think they could have gotten me the second one?”

Sanrin: “I give up. I might as well accept my own fate.”

Voice: “Good idea, embrace that fate!”

Sanrin: “Thank you for your condolences.”

Voice: “Not your doomy fate, your other one; your fate to rid the world of telemarketers! Wait. Sorry, wrong fate. I meant your fate to save this world!”

Sanrin: “But didn’t you just incinerate the person whose fate it was to save the world?”

Voice: “Yes I did, but then the next person who had the capability to save the world gained that fate.”

Sanrin: “Does that mean you will end up killing me in some sort of horrible manner as well?”

Voice: “I hardly see how being blown apart is all that horrible; and no, at least I don’t think so.”

Sanrin: “Thank you for the reassurance.”

Voice: “Any time, after all, I’m starting to like you; would be a shame to make you all dead and the like.”

Sanrin: “Wonderful, I’ve piqued the intrigue of the hypocritical, explosion happy voice from no where.”

Voice: “You should be grateful; the last person who I took an interest in became ruler of the Eastern Territories.”

Sanrin: “Wasn’t that king assassinated not long after he came to power?”

Voice: “When you look at it that way, I guess it seems like a bad thing.”

Sanrin: “Of course it’s a bad thing, he died!”

Voice: “Isn’t that a thing you people do a lot anyway?”

Sanrin: “But not that soon. Had you not got interested in him, he might still be alive.”

Voice: “Had I not found him interesting, he would have died along with the rest of the crew when the vessel he was on sank.”

Sanrin: “Well…maybe it was a good thing then.”

Voice: “Of course it was, I am omnipotent. Now if you apologize, I just might tell you more about your fate.”

Sanrin: “I’m sorry for questioning your plans…but you are still a jerk.”

Voice: “Good enough, but to explain your fate, I must go back into “spooky omnipotent” mode.”

Sanrin: *sigh* “alright.”

Voice: “Joy! I do love that voice so.”

Spooky omnipotent voice: “You will travel throughout the lands, gaining strength, power, and able bodied warriors to aid you in your quest to stop the ruler of the North, Harfan, from unleashing the great destroyer upon this world!”

*Lightning flashes*

Sanrin: “Was the lightning really necessary?”

Voice: “Of course, what is a spooky omnipotent voice without lightning at key points?”

Sanrin: “Right, so you are telling me I’m supposed to wander around aimlessly until me and a bunch of other random people are strong enough to keep an emperor from unleashing some destroyer upon the world, and thus dooming humanity?”

Voice: “Pretty much, but mine sounded better.”

Sanrin: “So how exactly am I supposed to amass an army large enough to take on this kind of power?”

Voice: “Who said anything about an army?”

Sanrin: “I’m supposed to be taking on an emperor; they generally have a lot of power.”

Voice: “Yes, but everyone knows that that a ragtag group of adventurers is an evil overlord’s worst enemy.”

Sanrin: “…That doesn’t make any sense at all.”

Voice: “And a voice from nowhere commanding you to stop the world from ending does?”

Sanrin: “Touché. Could you at least tell me what direction I need to head in to begin my aimless wandering?”

Voice: “If I told you were to go, it wouldn’t be aimless now would it?”

Sanrin: “Fine, I’ll just start walking east then.”

Voice: “Oh, I almost forgot!”

Sanrin: “I am already afraid for my very existence.”

Voice: “It’s nothing bad, it’s a gift. May it aid you in your quest.”

Sanrin: “So how do I receive this” *horrible screams of pain*

Voice: “Oh yeah, getting it might just be the most excruciating pain you will ever experience, but that’s just a slight side effect.”

Sanrin: *whimper* “what…was…that?”

Voice: “That was me endowing you with the greatest magical energies any human has ever known. Kind of makes it worth the pain, huh?”

Sanrin: *groan* “It may be vast power, but I still hate you.”

Voice: “Your welcome, ungrateful peon.”

Sanrin: “So what exactly is this power?”

Voice: “Try it out yourself, concentrate on an object and try and destroy it.”

Sanrin: “Ok, here it goes…”

*A Fireball arches from his hand racing towards its target…*Poof**

Sanrin: “Poof? That’s it, it just blew up a small bush, how it that vast amounts of power?”

Voice: “Well its not like I was going to give you the power to blow up random buildings right away, you have to develop your powers over your journey.”

Sanrin: “Of course not, you wouldn’t want the competition.”

Voice: “Quiet you. Now, let your journey start. I will check in on you from time to time.”

Sanrin: “I’ll go walking in that direction then…I guess?”

*obvious silence*

Sanrin: “Thank you, I did not need to be told it was an obvious silence. This communication system is so screwed up. But at least he is gone…yay?”

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