Monday, January 31, 2011

10 (mocked) Ways to Boost Your Psychic Abilities

I must confess, I do love taunting the idiocy of others. Some may see this as a bit paradoxical as those who know me generally see me as someone who is incredibly caring and someone who will do all he can to help others. This is so noticeable that when I stopped by the American Red Cross today, everyone recognized me instantly despite not seeing most of them for a year (a year ago I volunteered at a shelter during an ice storm, which is where I met these people, as well as being called their "Angel in Black"). Despite how much I want to better humanity, I cannot resist a chance for a good taunting. Even with my empathy being as strong as it is so that I begin feeling the emotions of those around me, I still have to admit that I have a taste for the schadenfreude. So to satiate that, here is a little list I found on "10 ways to boost your psychic abilities"

1. Whenever the telephone rings, close your eyes and visualize the person who is calling. Then pick up the phone and discover if you’re right. Your accuracy will improve dramatically as you practice this exercise, and this exercise may help you develop your clairvoyant abilities in addition to intuition and precognition.

Oh yes, lets all use confirmation bias as a way to tell if you are getting better or not. Once you master this difficult ability to notice trends you will be left with two possibilities. 1) Either you are guessing based upon who would be calling you at this point in time or you are thinking of recent events and who it would spur to call you. 2) You notice who calls you the most so you just keep guessing that name and notice that you are right more often then you are wrong. Or maybe I'm giving you too much credit, maybe you are just too dumb to notice anything and keep guessing randomly and get happy the few times you get it right and think "this is working!". In that case, congratulations, you have completed a round in the Skinner Box.

2. When you stand in line at the bank, tell yourself which teller will serve you. This exercise is similar to the first, but you can see your “target." This exercise helps you develop your intuition and your ability to psychically connect with others who are in close proximity.

Or you will make the teller nervous, "Why is she staring at me so I about to get robbed?" This one isn't even fare. Who doesn't look at the people in front of them and think how long their particular transaction will take? It really isn't hard to predict who will be the one to serve you as you get closer to the point as it is all based on actions before you. How is that psychic?

3. When you watch a sporting event, tell yourself the outcome before the event begins. As you develop skill with this exercise, expand to predicting more statistics such as scores or top 5 placements in racing or judged events. This exercise helps you develop your intuition, precognition, and clairvoyance. Do not misuse this skill for personal gain, such as gambling, or you will likely lose your skill entirely.

Wait, so you are trying to get them to develop this supposedly innate ability, but once they do they are not allowed to use it for personal gain? What other reason could you possibly have? Oh wait...I see, if you try it for personal gain you will actually test it, thus setting up an experiment, and when the result is that you are just guessing you find you have lost your 'ability'. It basically states that you should not question us...

4. Have a friend roll a dice. Begin by calling “even" or “odd" before the dice is thrown your accuracy will increase with practice. Expand to call the number the dice will land on. This exercise helps you develop your intuition, precognition and clairvoyance (specifically your ability to see numbers).

Ok...we start with a fifty-fifty chance. I'm sure that will make someone feel good about themselves. But you push further, testing the limits of the human psyche! You ask them to dare partake in guessing something with only one-in-six chance, how devious. Why is it that each time I roll the dice they always stop on ones, like two little eyes looking at me...they know...they know all!

5. Work with a friend and a standard deck of playing cards. Begin by predicting black or red, and then have your friend turn over the top card of the deck. Your accuracy will improve with practice. When your accuracy is 80% or greater, expand to predict the suit, and later, the number or face of the card as well. This exercise boosts your intuition, precognition, and clairvoyance (specifically colours and shapes).

Yes, bring in a friend, they won't at all think that you are a bit 'special'. And they certainly are not going along with this because it is far easier then seeing you break down crying. Yes, just go with what the crazy person says, it is safer this way.

6. When you’re riding an elevator and another passenger joins you, tell yourself which button they’ll press. This exercises helps you develop your intuition, precognition, clairvoyance (number recognition), telepathy, and your ability to connect with others psychically.

So from a limited amount of numbers, we are again supposed to pick which floor they are going to...well unless you live in a city with lots of high rises you are going to be limited to three or four numbers. But I'm feeling generous, try and predict what number out of so many, I'm sure your power will be inversely proportional to the number of buttons...

7. In the morning, write down the names of people you will have important interactions or communications with that day. Don’t rely on logic. Clear your mind and allow faces or names to come to you naturally. Trust it and write it down. Using this exercise regularly will significantly improve your accuracy.

And thus guiding you towards those very people you were thinking about. What, I can think of a person and then meet them during the day...I must be psychic! Now according to this logic anything my subconscious throws at me could be my encounter....damn I just thought of a tiger...I'm screwed

8. When in line at the movies, tell yourself which movie the person or group ahead of you will request (if you overhear them say it, try again another time!). This exercise helps you improve your intuition concerning the intentions, preferences and actions of others, and it can lead to developing telepathy and empathy.

Oh! there is a limited amount of options, which movie will they pick, the one that has been here for about a week or the new flashy one. So hard to tell...But what if I'm wrong, you never tell me what to do when I'm wrong. Am I channeling my psychic energies in the wrong direction?

9. When you have a meeting or appointment, tell yourself the colour of clothing the other person will be wearing before you meet. (This does not work for all people or situations. For example, you can reasonably assume a doctor will be wearing white, or you may know someone always wears a particular colour.) This exercise improves your clairvoyant abilities and could help you develop remote viewing skills as well.

Now I have to guess what wavelength the reflected photons of some poorly made sweater are? Why can't I do something awesome like trying to see things by the polarity of light like a mantis shrimp does. How I envy those 16 opsins.

10. Ask three friends a question (such as “what did you eat for breakfast?" or “where do you want to go on your next vacation?") Before you ask your questions, your friends must decide amongst themselves which one will answer falsely, and you must write down which friend will answer falsely. Then you ask your question and listen to each friend reply. Show them the name you wrote down before you asked the question. This exercise helps you develop intuition, precognition and can lead to developing telepathy. This skill is especially valuable in life the ability to recognize deception and even predict it can make your life, and the lives of many others, much smoother.

You have three friends? Congratulations! Now I need one to deceive me? How do I know they are lying? Maybe they made up the lie about whether they lied...Anyway, you are asking them about things that they might have told you in the past or something that they generally have every day...this isn't very psychic of you.
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1 comment:

Infidel753 said...

Do not misuse this skill for personal gain, such as gambling, or you will likely lose your skill entirely.

Why on Earth would any real skill behave this way? If you study accounting, your skill at accounting does not suddenly disappear if you use it for personal gain by getting a job. A person who learns to fire a gun accurately doesn't suddenly lose that skill if he decides to use it for evil purposes. You can either do something or you can't.