Saturday, January 22, 2011

How to deal with (and mock) sexual desires as a single

Ron Britton over at Bay of Fundie has a new post about a hilarious list on "How to deal with sexual desires as a single" written by the ever 'knowledgeable' (read bat-shit crazy) American Decency Association (I would link them so you may know the hilarity first hand but I really do not want to give them more traffic then necessary).

While Ron Britton believes that the list is stupid and hilarious enough to laugh at as it is (which it really is), why not go the extra mile in mocking this treasure. So I give you both their list and my own touch of mockery, enjoy!

How to deal with sexual desires as a single

1. Do not seek sexual gratification through masturbation.

Because we know all those studies that show masturbation to make you a healthier person and even reduce the risk of prostate cancer are the lies of the Great Satan!

2. Do not seek sexual satisfaction through touching or being touched by another person even if you stop short of sexual intercourse.

What is this? You actually want to touch that other filthy human being? Don't you know you should never touch another unless someone who has repressed his sexual urge (unless you count when around children, which, we all know, doesn't count, the Vatican says so) says magic words around you and grants you the go ahead from God (if you do it before hand, God won't know when to watch and that makes him angry, you don't want to spoil God's voyeuristic fun now do you?)

3. Avoid unnecessary sexual stimulation.

I'm not sure if these people have ever had a heated session with someone of their preferred sex, but from personal experience it very quickly becomes pretty damn necessary to get some sexual stimulation.

4. When the stimulation comes and the desire starts to rise, consciously focus on the cross of Christ instead.

Ok, so you have tried rule one through three and found them to be utter bullshit, that's ok, you are a filthy disgusting human who will never be worthy so your failure was expected. So now whenever you start to get a bit randy think of how it must of felt to be Jesus having those nails slowly penetrating him. Actually this might explain all that cross masturbation porn...

5. Pray that God would give you, in-ever increasing strength, a longing to know and love and obey him above all else.

So what you are telling me is that God wants a Sub/Dom relationship with me? And here I always thought the old guy was a vanilla.

6. Bathe your mind in God’s Word.

Wouldn't bathing your mind in anything cause massive brain damage? Though I'm trying to envision how this would be possible, would it require sending a bible through a shredder and tossing the brain in, or would the bible have to be liquefied to consider it a bath?

7. Keep yourself busy, and when it is time for leisure, choose things that are pure, lovely, gracious, excellent, worthy of praise. (Phil.4.8)

Is it wrong that all those terms made me think of the nude female form? That was what they were really getting at, right?

8. Don’t spend too much time alone.

What are you doing there alone reading? You should be out socializing not focusing on self betterment and increasing your understanding. We want to make sure you get in as many awkward situations where you can use this list as possible. But as we already said, you are a filthy unworthy human so you will fail and then you will need us for repentance...please need us, we are so lonely...

9. Strive to think of all people, especially people of the opposite sex, in relation to eternity.

Well in relation to eternity any single life is essentially nothing. Completely and utterly nothing...I think I might need some 'comfort' right about now to get around how depressing that all is, great going list.

10. Resolve to seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and he will add to you everything you need sexually.

So...I'm supposed to go seek out God and what, get a blowjob from him? Is that what people mean when they say they are 'saving themselves for god'?
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Photo Rat said...


Nice to see you have a go at it. If I had more time, I would have fisked it also.

You can link to fundie websites without boosting their Google page rank by using the HTML rel="nofollow" tag.

Cyc said...

Thank you for that nice tool, I shall have to remember it.

Draken said...

Ad. 7, you're spot-on:
when it is time for leisure, choose things that are pure, lovely, gracious, excellent, worthy of praise


(in the voice of Animal the Muppet)

Tr said...

God loves us all... Very, very much. Now lay down, and let him love you. It'll all be over soon...

Anonymous said...

@Draken: what? Not the Cookie Monster?

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that most fundie teens would look at that list, roll their eyes, and continue having unprotected sex.

Parrotlover77 said...

@the chaplain - Anal sex. Young fundies have anal because that preserves the precious, precious vaginal virginity.

Ahab said...

I'm sorry to break this to them, but natural human longings are much stronger that mental images of the cross!