Saturday, May 21, 2011

It’s the end of the world as we know it…

Well now that I have gotten the tune to a song that no one can properly hope to sing stuck in your head, it is time to celebrate the end of the world!

But what should you expect on the rapture?  Well one thing to keep in mind is if you go out, be sure to wear a rain coat.  Why you might ask?  Just think of how much mess a flock of birds flying overhead can make and imagine how much worse it would be with a group of humans scared shitless (quite literally) by their sudden loss of gravity. 

You should also expect to have massive cancellations of flights.  After the first two or three planes experience in flight emergencies after their engines get clogged up with bits of Christian chunks, flights everywhere will be grounded until the sky-lanes finally clear of the flocks of believers.

The believers that make it past the airplanes will have a few other things to contend with.  The first is the fact that oxygen levels and temperatures quickly begin to drop the higher up in the atmosphere you get.  Soon the excited believers will begin to become panic stricken once they realize that the writers of the bible had a very poor grasp of the fundamentals of our planet.  I imagine god will be pretty embarrassed when he goes out to greet the first of his chosen only to find them as lifeless meat-sicles. 

The various space agencies are likely also to be rather pissed by god’s oversight.  Our planets orbit is already littered with bits of space junk that perpetually threaten the many artificial satellites that help maintain our modern life.  All they need is a few thousand more things to track, not to mention the disruption of the amazing view those on the International Space Station has after it becomes obscured with the morbid vista of countless bodies drifting past.

Of course it is also possible that this entire thing is the creation of a series of deluded minds attempting to interpret the ramblings of ignorant ancient desert dwellers as absolute truth and nothing more than a lot of embarrassed back-tracking from the die-hard believers will come of this.  Perhaps there will even be an explosion of people coming to their senses about all this rapture business with former believers realizing that their invisible sky daddy is nothing more than a silly myth that should have been set aside with the likes of the tooth fairy.  People might learn from the error of their petty divisive beliefs and attempt to more forward as a more unified society.  On second thought, we should all probably just be on the lookout for someone claiming to have uncovered the ‘real’ date of the rapture for the believers to cling on to.
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Matthias Nathaniel Morlecai said...

What I think is really funny is that even believers like myself think that this whole ordeal is a bunch of hodgepodge, baloney, and any other synonym you choose to insert here. The guy apparently got all of his claims from scriptures in the Bible, but he seems to have failed to read one critical line. Can't remember what verse right now, but it says, paraphrasing, that no one will know the day or the hour. After 5:00 today, there is going to be one massive face-palm from Christians all over the world. Then, the cycle shall begin again, as it always has.

Ahab said...

How many phony End Times predictions have to pass before people realize they're baloney?

Garrett Fogerlie said...

That's pretty much the same thing Richard Dawkins explains in his article
There is no God. He also points out how so many "believers" seem to hope for the end of the world. What a grim and sad thought.