Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

Ah, Easter, yet another Christian holiday designed to confuse young believers. A day when Christian parents once again bribe their children with gifts to keep them interested in religion. It is also further proof that these people could never come up with an interesting holiday on their own.

Christians have an odd relationship with holidays. With the early church even more obsessed with suffering than it is now, they were hard pressed to come up with a holiday that would grab the attention of the masses. They tried with Good Friday, but a day traditionally celebrated with self-flagellation just didn't have the pull they were looking for. So upon realizing that self mutilation was no way to gain converts, some enterprising Christian decided to just steal a good holiday from one of the less depressing religions.

They looked to the Saxons for their solution and decided to hijack the day dedicated to their goddess Oestre (AKA Eostre or Eastre depending on the translation). Realizing that the name of the goddess for the sunrise, spring and fertility sounded better than "Jewish Zombie Day" and parties celebrating life were far more fun than going to church all day, they ran with it. While this little bit of information has been consistently kept from the young Christians, the kids have always guessed something was up. But thankfully due to the candy induced diabetic comas, they soon forget that neither rabbits nor long dead rabbis lay eggs.

Though proving that Christians cannot be trusted to market anything properly, what should be their most important holy day is always overshadowed on a child's list of holidays by Halloween which not only is more fun, has far better candy. Though I have to give this day some props for giving us those amazing creme-filled chocolate eggs and chocolate rabbits large enough that they must legally be sold with a syringe of insulin. But other than this all kids have to look forward to is running around aimlessly for a while looking for brightly colored eggs. Eggs that are probably plastic because no child knows what to do with an egg anymore and because parents got tired of their kids finding one weeks later and it filling the house with noxious fumes.

Many Christians complain about how Easter doesn't have enough about Christ in it anymore. That the world is missing an 'amazing' story that, in all honesty, sounds kind of like one that got rejected from Tales From The Crypt. But it is their fault really. They chose to try and steal a day devoted to the yearly renewal of life and sex. Unless Jesus can do something really special with those holes in his hands, he has no chance of competing with a fertility goddess.