Sunday, March 4, 2012

Ten (idiotic) reasons why Christianity is superior to any other religion

Ah, lists.  They are so often written with complete sincerity, with the author seeming to believe that a few lines will convince anyone of their point.  They appear to believe that by using a series of numbers or bullets that their stated reasons will be built up into an insurmountable wall of truth.

Then, after taking so much time to compile their compelling reasons, some asshole such as myself comes along to burn the whole thing to the ground while dancing upon its ashes and laughing maniacally the whole time.

My current target is entitled "Ten Reasons Why Christianity if Superior to any Other Religion".  When I saw the title I knew I had a winner and it certainly did not disappoint.
1. Christianity is the only religion in which God reaches out to man. All other religions are attempts by man to reach up to God.
Apparently, no other religion ever claims to be divinely inspired by this god person.  All the others were just written by ignorant humans trying to understand the world around them through allegory and myth.  But not Christianity!  God specifically took time out of his busy day to talk to them directly and anyone else hearing god's voice is just schizophrenic or are hearing the devil.  And they know this because their book tells them so of course!  Just like god did for the Judaic peoples, and the Muslims, and the Hindi, and the Janis, and the....
2. Christianity is the only religion that fully deals with sin because of Christ’s atoning work on the Cross.
And what great work it was.  I was really impressed by his ability to bleed profusely as he slowly suffocated.  As god knows, nothing makes up for the actions of millions like crazy people's blood.  So next time you feel horrible for stealing a candy bar, just bath in the blood of that hobo on the corner who hears god through his shoe and all will be amended!
3. Christianity is the only religion that allows followers into the presence of the Father.
We get to go to heaven and you don't!  Ha-ha you stupid heathens!  What, the other religions often have some sort of heaven as well?  Well they aren't the real heaven.  Ours is better and has a super cool club house that you aren't allowed inside.  We have a slide and a tire swing and the Virgin Mary bakes us cookies every day!
4. Christianity is the only religion that offers its followers true assurance of salvation because our salvation is based upon Christ’s works, not our own.
So don't worry about that prostitute rotting in your basement or the alter boys you 'blessed with your holy water', as long as you say the magic words Jesus will vouch for you!
5. Christianity is the only religion in which the Holy Spirit is promised to us, and dwells in us.
So, this Holy Spirit is some kind of eldritch horror that is implanted within us on the day of conversion and feeds off our intellect?
6. Christianity is the only religion in the world where its leader is the judge of all mankind.
Because Christianity is the only religion that thinks it holds the secrets to the universe and all of humanity must bow before its wisdom.  It is as if this person thinks Christianity is the only Bond villain to try and take over the world.
7. Christianity is the only religion in which our leader was raised from the dead.
Am I the only one who thinks that Christianity is the hipster of religions?  They are constantly going on about how they were into zombies before it was cool.  Thankfully due to the internet and lax gun laws, if Jesus ever rises forth once more to feast upon our brains he will discover a legion of fanatical George A. Romero fans ready to stop him.
8. Christianity is the only religion in which death is truly conquered.
And what a glorious battle it was! Hundreds fell before Death's scythe, but even the mighty reaper was no match for for Jesus' mighty Kung Fu!
9. Christianity is the only religion in which it’s leader was born of a virgin, lived a perfect life according to God’s Law, and fulfilled countless Old Testament prophecies.
So Jesus is the result of holy parthenogenesis? Does this make Mary some kind of divine Komodo Dragon, because I would could totally get behind a sacred monitor lizard.
10. All the leaders of every other religion, need Christ as their Savior as well as their followers.
Translation: I ran out of ideas but still wanted to tell the followers of all other religions to suck it.  Such a classy and logical way to end such a wonderfully stimulating and well thought out list.
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krissthesexyatheist said...

Nice buddy, although #9 is false, there are many born of virgin 'god/savior' types. You forgot the killing. what about all the killing. I dunno who has killed more of the three Abraham religions, but obviously Christianity is top three (dugh).



Cyc said...

Thank you.

I was tempted to put in something about all the 'virgin birth' gods out there, but for some reason the idea of the various images of Mary being drawn as monitor lizards just made me laugh needlessly.

This wasn't so much about falsifying the information (that is quite important and I thank you for doing some of that) as much as me getting out my frustration and just laughing at the stupidity of it all.

Ahab said...

Guuuuh. The whole list presumes that Christianity is true, instead of testing it against other faiths. It sounds like the author of the list made up their mind ahead of time instead of weighing the evidence.

Cyc said...

A devout theist not open to alternative ideas? I am shocked at such an outrageous accusation Ahab, utterly shocked.

Russell said...

Are we absolutely sure that this isn't a Poe? Some of these "reasons" sound rather suspicious to me.

Cyc said...

From what I can tell Russell, the author is not a Poe. He claims to be a pastor and a Calvinist (which explains some of his ramblings).

I live in a small town in the middle of the bible belt (well, the dilapidated cod piece of said belt if I am going to be honest, and I have seen these kinds of arguments used sincerely time and time again.

It would be nice if this was just a Poe, but the signs point to honest idiocy. I'm sorry if that depresses you as much as it does me.

Samuel Rosenbalm said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Samuel Rosenbalm said...

Those reasons are all absolutely true. And what you decide in this world will reflect your fate in the next world. There is no life outside of Christ. And when you leave your shell, whether or not you are born again will be the only thing that matters.

I strongly suggest you lay down your life at the feet of Jesus Christ. He alone can save you from the Second Death.